Colonial driving rules dumped – new rules issued and patented

Government of Hindia today took a progressive step by issuing special provisions for Hindian roads aimed at strengthening conventional Hindian driving techniques. It notified the ‘Hindian Driving Rules – 2015′ today.

Road Transport Minister, Hindia; Shri Godgiri said at the launching that “We Hindians are born to be nimble footed and quick in response. And that reflects in our driving. We have issued new rules so that we can leverage our unique traditional way of driving and maintain our world leadership in road accidents. In order to prevent other countries from appropriating the special techniques, we have filed for an international patent to protect our intellectual property.”

Here is a short dummies’ guide and explanations to the Rules as summarised by the Faking News Special Bureau

Rule 1: Get ahead of the vehicle in front of you and never stay behind anyone for long.

Explanation; Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot. Just blow his eardrums away with your horn, push your paddle hard and zoom ahead of him. Naturally, anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. So you need to race him and leave him behind just to show him how mad he is.

Exception to the rule: You can continue to drive behind a car if a pair of beautiful/handsome eyes is looking at you through the rear view mirror. Or men can continue to drive behind a two-wheeler if the driver ahead is wearing a nice revealing saree; it is the god-given right of men to ogle at mid-riffs.

Rule 2: Never stop for a smaller vehicle or a pedestrian (Might is right).

Corollary to the rule: Get away from the path of a bigger vehicle, push into a small one immediately if you see a bigger one in your way.  Explanation: Pedestrians are pests, and they don’t have a right of way. Just shoo them off with your horn. Of course, keep an eye open for the Holy Cow and the Clever Cat, unless you want to rot in hell for the sin of killing these animals.

Rule 3: Take the shortest path to your destination. Just point your vehicle from Point A to point B and roll it in that direction via the shortest path. Don’t worry about the side of the road you are to drive on.

Explanation: If you have come from the Americas, drive on the right, if from the UK, drive on the left and from anywhere else you can just do whatever you want to do man. It can be left, right, centre, left of centre, right of centre. Once you get a hang of it and if you have got a good trainer, you will soon be able to manoeuvre from left to right in a jiffy, and vice versa of course. Note: You can also follow the side of the road that matches your political ideology.

Rule 4: Say no to lane driving. Lane driving is for morons – Ignore the white, yellow or blue lines on the road, and all other weird paintings thereof.

Explanation: Lanes are meant to slow you down and restrict your freedom. Just see which lane is moving faster than yours and just barge into that lane. Don’t worry, you can always come back to your lane if the other one slows down.

Rule 5: Approach main roads and highways at a high speed

Explanation:  Before approaching a main road at a T-junction or at a square or a circle, just put your vehicle in high gear, pump up the jam, and zoom into it.  Unnecessary stopping wastes fuel and harms the country’s economy. Exception to the Rule: In case the road ahead is too clogged with traffic, you can slowly sneak on to the wrong side of a main road and diagonally point your vehicle towards the other side.  Moreover, fuel saving is enhanced if you never take a right angle into or out of a turn and go for the shortest path instead and learn to manage obtuse and acute angles.

Rule 6: Stop at a traffic light only when essential. Stop at traffic lights only when a cop is looking at you.

Explanation: Look left, right and centre for the cops. The traffic lights are just a machine, show them your superiority and just ignore them if no cop is on duty. However, stop respectfully if an attentive cop is on duty. However, bear in mind that these cops are human and are underpaid and might just be dead tired. So just ignore them if they are talking amongst themselves or reclining under the shade.

Rule 5: Jumpstart from the stop line – If you have stopped at a red light, leave about 10 seconds before the light turns green.

Explanation: Starting from the stop-line is like being on the F1 Grid. The one who moves first has an advantage. So keep watching the lights at other cross-roads. As soon as the other turns orange, it is time for you to jumpstart the morons standing behind you and race ahead. Also, if some nincompoop is blocking your path just blow some sense into him with your horn till he moves.

Rule 6: Blow that horn – Blow the horn before, during and after overtaking a vehicle

Explanation: You must be sure that no one is caught on the wrong foot with your nimble driving. Give them a prior warning before you surprise them with your moves so that they can’t blame you for any mishap that might happen.  Learn this line by rote and speak it as soon as you hit someone – “Main Ne Horn to Bajaaya Tha” . Note: Sound Pollution is no concern of yours.

Rule 7: Helmets and Safety Belts are banned

Helmets and Safety Belts exert undue stress on the driver and are hereby withdrawn with immediate effect due to considerations related to security. Helmets and Safety belts make it difficult for security agencies to identify terrorists and their ammunition belts. Further, helmets are an international conspiracy to discourage our traditional turbans. Helmets are to be replaced by turbans with immediate effect.

The Transport Minister quoted Jeffrey Archer who is reported to have said “I love you on the road. This is the only nation on earth where cars run with the white line under them.”

“We Hindians have always had high regard for Shri Jeffrey Archer, even when he was in jail” he further said. “I am sure we must preserve our USP as so eloquently conveyed by Shri Archer . If my fellow citizens follow these rules they are sure to be ace drivers and keep Hindia’s flag flying high. Even if they end up in the morgue, they can contribute to Hindia’s impressive world leadership in killing lacs of people on roads every year”

Disclaimer: The satire is about a mythical country called Hindia. Resemblance to any other country, person or situation is purely co-incidental. The author advises readers to take full responsibility for their safety and know their limits. Before practicing the skills described in this article, be sure that your equipment is well maintained, and do not take risks beyond your level of experience, aptitude, training, and comfort level.

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